White Privilege: Elements of an Apology
A white friend of mine recently asked my opinion about reaching out to apologize to a colleague of color about a past microaggression. I tend to cringe when asked about these topics because I have so many blind spots about race, no matter how much personal excavation work I do. I just don’t feel qualified to answer questions like these. After this friend asked me about how to handle the situation, I noticed that the universe was throwing information at me about the power of apologies.
In my own work around race, I have found that unintentional and intentional harm that I cause demands an apology for a relationship to continue. An apology is reaching out in relationship and offering vulnerability. These words and new learnings have been swirling in my head for the last few weeks. As I read and listen to more and more stories by people of color, I am learning that my white guilt is shallow when I use thoughtless words and no actions of reparation.
I recently listened to a 2-part interview with psychologist Harriet Lerner on the Unlocking Us podcast. The interview is focused on work and personal relationships, but I can see how Lerner’s essential ingredients of a true apology also deeply apply to racial harm and abuse. Therefore, I offer them here:
1. Does not include the word “but”
2. Keeps the focus on your actions and not on the other person’s response
3. Includes an offer of reparation or restitution that fits the situation
4. Does not over do
5. Doesn’t get caught up in who’s more to blame or who started it
6. Requires that you do your best to avoid a repeat performance
7. Should not serve to silence
8. Shouldn’t be offered to make you feel better if it risks making the hurt party feel worse
9. Do not ask the hurt party to do anything, not even to forgive
While Lerner is a white author, I still feel like these ingredients hold true if we want to break down our white supremacy culture that has a fear of conflict, supports individualism, and thinks everyone has a right to comfort. I didn’t have these ingredients for an apology when my white friend asked for help, but now I do. I still make mistakes, and I still have blind spots. I am ready to learn more and do better.